She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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