you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
