If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
