winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
