got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I still have a little drunk in my system
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
