had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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