ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
