I think my fart just growled at me.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
