I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
