I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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