He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
