Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
