white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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