And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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