:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
