Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
