My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
