going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
