i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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