Your face is a jimmy john
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
