Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
