remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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