Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
