You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
