Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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