Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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