Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He passed out mid-signature
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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