apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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