It's like God shit irony all over that family
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
