Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
