Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
