Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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