my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Jerry, you need to find god
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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