The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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