This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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