I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
