just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
