If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
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Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
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MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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