I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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