Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
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there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
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You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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