If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
