I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
