My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
