So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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