I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
