I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
