Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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