I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
