so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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