Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
