I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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