Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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