I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
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The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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