Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
