There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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